Recently, in a roundabout way, I read (for the first time) Erich Fromm’s The Art of Loving, published in 1956. Here’s how it happened: If you’re like me, unplugged from mainstream media, you will recognize the many online references to George Orwell’s 1984. It’s a dystopian time in America, with disturbing parallels to the novel.
I thought it might be a good idea to re-read 1984, but I don’t recommend it if you want to sleep at night. I couldn’t finish the book, but I did enjoy the beautifully written Afterword by Erich Fromm and wanted to read more of his work. I found a well-worn copy at my local used bookstore of The Art of Loving and settled in. It seemed like a good choice given the amount of expressed hate and intolerance that abounds. Fromm invites readers to consider what it means to truly love and be loved by exploring several key concepts.
Erich Fromm
Number One. Love is not a chemical reaction that creates a feeling. Rather, love is an art that requires knowledge and effort to truly thrive. Fromm writes: “To love somebody is not just a strong feeling – it is a decision. It is a judgment, a promise. If love were only a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever. A feeling comes and goes.”
Number Two. Love is an act of giving with four key elements: care, responsibility, respect, and knowledge. Demonstrating these elements is how we give love life. The caring element often appears with the birth of a child for the mother (and to some extent, according to Fromm), for the father. Regardless of the parent, it is often our very first physical experience of love. Responsibility means staying aware and reacting to the needs of another. Respect requires us to accept our loved ones for who they are and resist changing them into what we want them to be. And finally, knowledge is not facts and figures but the emotional ability to read the subtle signs of loved ones. Are they lonely, nervous, or worried? What do they need that you can reasonably provide?
Fromm also discussed other types of love: brotherly, erotic love, self-love, and the love of God in some detail.
Number Three. The three principles at the heart of loving are: discipline, concentration, and patience. As in any art, discipline is crucial – something akin to practice makes perfect. Concentration gives us time and focus to develop any new skill; love is no different. One of the modern challenges to this principle is multitasking and being a slave to our electronic/media devices. The first step to regaining our ability to learn is found in solitude; to be alone with ourselves.
This is also where the essential skill of self-love can be supported. Self-love is simply one’s respect for his or her personal integrity and uniqueness. It is not to be confused with selfishness and also requires care. The third principle is patience. Patience, like concentration, is hard to come by today. We want quick results with minimum effort.
Number Four. Further complicating learning about love is our culture of consumption, making love another commodity on the market. Fromm was incredibly prescient on this feature. There are over 1,500 dating apps and websites operating worldwide at the moment. This market is projected to reach $9.2 billion by 2025. In 2022, there were over 57 million online dating service users in the United States. And while many solid relationships have occurred via this method, there is something a bit hi-tech vs. human discovery about the process.
Number Five. Fromm reminds us that love cannot be restricted simply to the personal realm of acquiring and developing these characteristics. “Love is inseparably connected with the social realm. When love is a character trait, it must necessarily extend to one’s relationships with family and friends.” To love, in the social sense, is to have a loving attitude toward everybody, including with whom one is in contact through work and community.”
While Fromm’s Afterword discusses why Orwell’s book is so powerful and yet so disheartening, he concludes the chapter with what I also believe: “Orwell is not a prophet of disaster. He wants to warn and to awaken us.” Orwell (and Fromm) still have hope. But that hope can only be realized by recognizing the dangers we are confronted with – a society of controlled automatons who have lost their individuality, the ability to love, and the loss of critical thought.
“In a time of deceit telling the truth is a revolutionary act.” ~ George Orwell
Photo credits: Heart in the tree – chandan–chaurasia, street post sign – kayle-kaupanger.
One kind of love I didn’t find reading The Art of Loving is the Love of Nature and why being in nature is another kind of love – maybe more spiritual. But also physical – as in don’t destroy the land, air, animals, seas, rivers, etc. Never mind the carbon, let’s clean up the soil and eliminate the toxins we spray everywhere. Best tribute to nature I’ve ever heard is from RFK, Jr speaking with Tucker Carlson. You can find it on X or TuckerCarlson.com Well worth a watch.
Barbara: I so enjoyed your book report on Fromme’s book which I have not read. I have also found that when the world gets too much with me, I turn down my intellect and move into my heart space. Being in nature, thinking of that which brings me joy (my grandchildren) brings on a special kind of love and gratitude for my life.
Thanks Linda for your comments. As for nature’s healing powers – needed now more than ever. You are a wise woman and a pleasure to know via this post as well as your Robert! The blessings of nature to both of you.
I just visited Rumi’s tomb in Konya turkey today. His brand of worship was Love in all aspects. Love is a commitment and discipline but when it’s tasted, it’s as sweet as honey!
What a wonderful place to be visiting – I saw the Sufi dancers. You have the best vacations of anyone I know. Love in all aspects – yep!
Thanks for taking the time to post a comment. Have a great rest of your trip.